Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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