I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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