Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
