Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
