I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
there is glitter all over my balls
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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