Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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