some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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