I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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