Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
