sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
