The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
