A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
