respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
