Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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