dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
