I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
