She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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