Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
