She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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