Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
