Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
