My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
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