You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
