its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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