Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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