i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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