I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
