the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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