I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
