When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
