I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
