you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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