The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
