i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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