He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
