im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
