i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
They took my balls.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
