It's Friday. Sex?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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