Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
