my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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