I feel great
I just peed on a car
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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