Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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