The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
