The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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