You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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