the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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