the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
