I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
