I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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