If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
