My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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