She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
