Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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